A Simple Plot

I was idly dreamimg the other day of the best way to conquer a country which had not been conquered for say hundreds of years. How could I do it without firing a shot?

Well first I thought that I would dream up an innocuous trade agreement and I would call it the Common Agricultural Policy. I would then get the country in question to sign up promising free trade barriers for all. Once they had fallen for it I could then place this country's agricultural industry at a severe disadvantage.

I would then follow up with an agreement on fisheries and then explain that even though they had been fishing around their island for centuries and depended on the industry for food these waters were now common waters for everyone. I would then encourage the other countries to sail in and destroy the fishing stocks.

Good Start eh? Now what's next? Oh yes I would dream up a major law and call it something like the Human Rights Act which would prevent this country from following its traditional justice system. Of course now I need to find a group of traitors or people with an ancient grudge against the target country and get them to subvert a major national political party. Once they gained power they could then sign up to this new Act. They could follow up by limiting the power of their judges and ensure that they operated only by permission of a Sentencing Guidelines Committee.

Once that is in place I am cooking because now I can flood the country with so many foreigners from all over the world they would paralyse the local resources. My Human Rights Bill would ensure that they could not be removed unless of course they were sympathetic to the accepted way of life like the Ghurkas and the white Zimbabweans who wouldn't be welcome in the first place. I would particularly concentrate on Muslims from Pakistan, Iran, Iraq and Afghanistan because their culture and lifestyle is diametrically opposite to that of the target country.

Now I would attack the local councils by setting up Regional Groups made up of people who support my cause and I would give these people all the money to distribute to the democratically elected councils. If they object to my proposals they don't get the money.

Now the group of traitors and greedy gits can set about ensuring that the public have no voice to protest. Firstly I recommend a couple of fatuous wars which have nothing at all to do with the target country but which will keep their armed forces busy while I reorganise the country unopposed. I would take the police off the streets by tripling their paperwork making crime far easier to commit and best of all I would concentrate on policies which would threaten the law abiding.

What fun I could have! I could introduce recycling which would have all of them scare of overloading their wheely bins because of the massive fines involved. I would impose climate control, yes I know that nobody can control the climate, but what does that matter. Then just for a laugh I would curb free speech by getting the traitors and greedy gits to force political correctness on the public. Once I got this going they are done for because they can't say anything provocative without being arrested or sacked.

Finally the trump card would be Health and Safety. If a guy really tries hard to ruin a nation it can be done through Health and Safety. You see anyone disregarding H&S can easily be criminalised and it is possible to implicate almost anyone on H&S grounds. I would ensure that any political party which does not agree with me would be marginalised through my press and the national broadcasting authority because if they don't do as I tell them then they lose their funding. Any party which refuses to adhere to my law will be branded racist, obnoxious and rabid and will not be allowed any national publicity.

My workers will be rewarded for their loyalty by obscene salaries, expenses and bonuses. This will of course ensure their loyalty to the cause. If they do really well they can be elevated to the peerage to ensure that the upper house also follows the party line. After all the House of Lords can also be a nice little earner for the unscrupulous.

So you see job done but one last little matter. I don't want to upset the indiginous population too much so I allow them to keep their currency to create the illusion that everything is normal. I hope it doesn't go down the pan because then the poor sods would have precious little left of their former lives!